He's All I Have
by fall-inloveagain
Summary: "Be happy, that's the most important thing." After suffering something so deeply, how can one couple recover and rediscover each other again?
1. You Spend All Your Time Waiting

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, nor do I profit from it.

I don't know where I got the inspiration for this one, but I knew that I wanted another daddy!finn fic and as much as I hate it, I love writing angst.

chapter title credit goes to: Angel- Sarah McLachlan

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><p>Ever since they got married, Finn and Rachel had big plans for kids. They wanted lots of them, and they wanted to raise them in New York until the space in their Chinatown apartment became sparse. Rachel wanted them to attend a school not far from the apartment, with really great teachers and excellent records for academics and Finn liked their Basketball and Football records. They had their childrens' futures set, now all they needed was a kid.<p>

Finn was excited about fatherhood. When he was in high school and his girlfriend Quinn told him he was going to be a father, he was petrified. What was he supposed to do at 16? He didn't know the first thing about a baby or taking care of another living, breathing, pooping thing. Luckily, it wasn't actually his kid. Quinn lied and cheated on him with his best friend, but that was all in the past now. After all that happened, he found Rachel. Rachel. Well, he didn't find her, she was always there. But he finally realized that she was it for him. She was perfect for him. Those two kids couldn't get enough of each other. And after high school, they both went to New York for college. After they graduated, they got an apartment and married. It all happened so quickly, like they were moving at a momentum they didn't even know existed. But they were happy, beyond happy.

They had been trying for a baby for a long time, almost a year into their marriage. They tried everything: from new positions, to having sex three to four times a week, especially during Rachel's _special time_. But not the gross special time, the other one. You know, when the eggs are released from the nest. Finally, they went to a fertility specialist.

"We've been trying and trying and trying for months now, Dr. Fung and I just don't understand because Finn has excellent sperm..."

The doctor smiled. "Mrs. Hudson, I know that. And the only thing I can tell you is to just...wait it out."

Finn was confused. "Wait it out, doc?"

"Stop trying to try. Just...let it happen naturally. Don't think about actually making the baby, just..." He paused and smiled again. "Have healthy sex."

Finn nodded, smirking slightly. "Whatever you say, doc."

"But I don't understand, Dr. Fung." Rachel went back through the notes she brought with her. "How will this for sure get us pregnant?"

"By not focusing on the future. Just live in the right now, take your time. You kids are young, you've got all the time in the world for children. And that baby will come. There's nothing wrong with either of your reproductive organs, so I see no reason why taking it slow and just being happy together wouldn't get you pregnant." He closed the file on his desk and ushered them out of the room.

"Be happy, that's the most important thing."

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><p>It was two months later when Rachel came home with a brown bag and a huge smile on her face.<p>

"Finny? You home?" He was sitting in the bedroom, working on grading a paper. He started working at a secondary school for kids who had been to juvenile detention. It wasn't exactly ideal, but he liked it. He taught English to kids who hadn't been in school for a really long time, in some cases. What he loved the most about he job was that moment when the kid finally got it, really understood. That light bulb moment that was written all over their face. It was challenging and fun all at the same time for Finn.

"In here, babe." He was laying down on their bed, chewing on a pen at the moment. She walked in the door, the biggest smile plastered on her face. She walked right past him and into the bathroom, shutting the door.

"What are you doing with that bag, babe?" Finn called from the bed, still trying to edit this paper.

"Determining our future." Rachel was auditioning to finally get her big break on the stage, but when she wasn't doing that, she was teaching a dance class at Julliard. They loved her so much there, they asked her to teach. It was almost better that she wasn't in a show, considering how much she wanted a baby. "OHH, FINN. COME HERE RIGHT NOW."

He lept off of the bed and ran to the bathroom. "What is it baby are we gonna be parents?"

She looked from the pee stick to Finn's face, tears streaming down her face. "We're gonna be parents." She held up the stick and he saw it. The little pink plus sign. He was gonna be a father.

"We're gonna be parents, Rach!" He picked her up and spun her around, her legs wrapping around his waist.

"Finally." She peppered kisses across his face and he led them to the bed, plopping her down. His kisses ran from her face to her neck as he started to unbutton her shirt, kissing the area between her breasts. Her tiny fingers ran down his chest with a pre-determined destination in mind. She unbuckled his shorts, kissing his chest as she made her way down.

They've been following the doctor's orders. They were happy; truly, madly, deeply happy.

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><p>"Dad, why do I have to go to bed now?" Christopher William Hudson hung onto his dad's neck, almost strangling him as his father carried him to his bed. It was already past his bedtime, but they just finished watching <em>Superman<em>. Finn was determined to educate his kid on all of the cool super heroes before Vampires and shit corrupted his mind.

"Because little man," Finn whispered as he opened the door to Chris's room. "It's way past your bedtime and your mom is not going to be happy with me."

"Oh. Okay." Chris let go of Finn's neck as he dropped onto his racecar bed. "We don't want momma to be mad."

"No we don't son." Finn smiled and grabbed Chris's pajamas from the dresser. He threw the Batman pants and shirt at his kid and sat down on the bed to help the six year old out of his clothes. With his eyes closed, he slipped off his shirt and stuck his arms in the air, and Finn put his shirt on. Chris fell back on the bed and Finn shimmied his pants off and put his pajama pants. Finn tucked his son underneath the blankets and started to get up.

"No, dad! Wait!" Chris opened his eyes and grabbed Finn's hand. "Where's McGee-Gee?"

"You still sleep with that ratty old thing?" Finn was surprised. McGee-Gee was his when he was a baby. He figured that he should carry on the tradition and pass it on to his son.

"Yeah dad." He looked at his dad like he was nuts. "Just...don't tell momma, okay?"

"Okay son." Finn smiled and handed the blanket to Chris. "Night, little man."

"Night dad." Chris's eyes started to close. "I love you."

"I love you too, bud." Finn shut his door with a smile.

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><p>"We'll be back in couple hours, Rach." Finn closed the trunk of the family sedan and smiled at his wife.<p>

"Yeah mom." Chris laughed and hugged Rachel's legs. "Be back later."

"You be safe, Christopher." She kissed the top of her son's head. "Don't be too late, Finn."

Finn wrangled his son off of Rachel's legs and placed him in the booster seat that he still needed to wear. Rachel had been very cautious in raising Chris over the last six years. She always made sure he was in his booster, made sure he ate all of his carrots. It's hard to believe that six years have passed since they had Chris. It feels like a week ago for Finn. Now his kid is in first grade and having sleepovers and eating paste and growing up. Today, Finn was going to take Chris for a bike ride in Younkers. He'd only just learned how to ride one last week, but Chris insisted on coming with Finn this weekend. Rachel had to teach an extra class today in preparation for a recital next Saturday. It was perfect that Chris came with Finn, and they felt like they've been using Kurt and Blaine as babysitters too much.

Finn chose a safer bike path than he had been taking in the past, still a little worried about Chris's success with biking. He didn't think he'd get much of a workout in today.

"Okay buddy, you ready to go?" Finn unhooked the bikes from the back rack of the car and handed the smaller, Batman one to Chris.

"Yeah dad." Chris stood there with his bike, trying to hook his helmet on when Finn heard a surprising word come out of his mouth. _"Shit."_

"Christopher!" Finn whipped around. "What did you just say?" He couldn't believe it. Where had he learned that one? Rachel canceled their subscription to HBO after Chris started pre-school, it couldn't be from there. Could it?

"Shit, dad." He held out his fingers at his father. One was red, but otherwise okay.

"And where exactly did you learn that from? Jimmy Puckerman?" he said, grabbing his own bike off of the rack.

"From you!" Chris looked at Finn with a slight grin on his lips. "You said it the other day when you accidentally broke mom's photo frame of Barbra Streisand."

Oh, yeah. He did do that. "Well, you shouldn't repeat that, kiddo." He tightened the strap on his own helmet.

"But I wanna be like you dad!" Finn looked down at his six year old. Chris's dark brown hair, just like Rachel's, was spiked in a fake mohawk and his hazely brown eyes, like his own, smiled up at him. "So I gotta talk like you and walk like you and bike like you and eat like you. I wanna be tall and strong and brave, like you dad."

Finn smiled and bent down to eye level with his son, so he could strap on his helmet. He felt honored that this little boy, who had so much of his mother's good heart in him, wanted to be just like his old man. "That's great that you want to eat all your vegtables and grow big and tall like your old man, kiddo. But I don't want you saying that word again, okay? You know how your momma wouldn't like that. And if you want to be like me at all, you don't ever wanna make momma mad. Okay, bud?"

"You got it, dude." Chris gave him a thumbs up and mounted the bike. Finn did the same.

"You ready, Chris?"

"Yeah, dad."

Finn started pedaling slowly and watched his son do the same. As Chris picked up speed, Finn let him bike in front of him, to keep an eye on him. He started to get the hang of it, and soon he could bike a straight line. They rode around a bike path in Younkers, not one that he'd taken before. But he'd heard from a colleague that it was pretty safe.

That was, until the unexpected, slightly steep hill. "CHRIS, LOOK OUT!"

The bike was spinning out of control down it, faster than Chris could handle. He pressed on his brakes hard. Then the unthinkable happened.

"DADDY!" And his son flew off the top of the handle bars and landed on his head. He rolled the rest of the way down the hill and stopped when he reached a grassy area.

Finn biked as fast as he could down the rest of the hill, jumping off of his bike by the end of it and running towards his boy. "Chris? CHRIS! Come on, little man. Wake up." Finn removed the little boy's helmet to see blood. Lots of blood."Chris, buddy, you gotta wake up, kid." His eyes were shut, but he was still breathing. "You wake me up at God-awful hours of the morning every day, come on kiddo." Hot tears streamed down Finn's face as he grabbed his cell phone.

"Hello? Yeah, I need an ambulance. I'm at Tibbetts Brook Park. It's my son, he fell off his bike. Look dude, there's lots of bleeding coming from his head and it's really freaking me out so if you could come out here like five minutes ago that'd be really great. He's six. Just last week. Okay, thank you. And hurry!"

Finn looked down at his son, the one they'd been trying for for so long. His little man. He's gotta be okay, right? He'll be fine.

He has to be...

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><p>ooooh suspense.<p>

reviews are welcomed and encouraged. thanks for reading :)


	2. Let Me Be Empty

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, nor do I profit from it.

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><p>"I just don't understand why we cant see him!" Rachel shouted, indignantly. They had been sitting in the ER waiting room for over three hours, and Finn could only take so much hospital coffee.<p>

"Ma'am, the doctors are just running tests. I'm sure they'll let you see your son soon." The nurse, who was getting crankier as the night went on, smiled at Rachel and walked back behind the magic "Staff Only" doors. 

"Finn, its been three hours. Surely they've run all the tests they need to," she looked at him, hoping he'd calm her down with a simple word, like he always did.

"He'll be fine, Rach," he smiled half-heartedly. "He has to be." 

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><p>A doctor walked out of the fancy "Staff Only" doors and looked around the waiting room full of people. He called their names. "Parents of Christopher Hudson?"<p>

Finn stood up. "That's us!" 

_"_Hello," The doctor walked over to them. "I'm Dr. Langford, head of Internal Surgery."

Rachel stood up next to Finn, concern laced in her tone. "Surgery? He needs surgery?"

_"_Yes, Mrs. Hudson. We've cleaned up his head wound, don't worry it was just superficial. However, when your son fell of that bike, his stomach teared somehow and I'm going in there to fix it." He seemed pretty sure of himself. But how did Chris tear his stomach?

_"_And that's a pretty easy surgery? I mean, will there be complications? Have you done this surgery before, can I trust you? Do I have to sign a form or something?" Rachel bent down to search for a pen in the tent she called a purse. 

_"_Yes, it's a very non-invasive surgery. I'm going to go in using laproscopics, sew up the tear and _  
><em>leave a very minimal scar. There shouldn't be any complications if all goes as planned. I have does this before, ma'am. I have the form right here," He handed it to Finn, the pen included. He scrawled his signature as Rachel continued her search for a pen in the purse of no return. "And yes, Mrs. Hudson. You can trust me." 

She looked up at him and narrowed her eyes. "That is my son in there. My only child. Please, please, take care of him." Finn wrapped an arm around her, smiling. 

_"_Chris is a champ. He'll pull through." The doctor smiled. "He's a really good kid."

_"_I know." And he walked back into the "Staff Only" doors.

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><p><em>"<em>What is taking so long?" Finn had begun pacing. The doctor said only an hour. It would take just an hour. It had been two now, and almost everyone out of the waiting room had been back to see their people. Finn called his mom and Burt and Rachel called her dads. They texted Kurt and he asked to keep him posted, but he needed some beauty sleep. It was nearly midnight. 

Dr. Langford stepped out of the scary "Staff Only" doors and looked around the nearly empty waiting room. Everyone else who was waiting for family got called back long ago. It was just Finn and Rachel alone in there now. 

"Mr. and Mrs. Hudson?"

Finn stood up."Yes, sir." 

The doctor gave them a sympathetic smile. "Why don't you take a seat?"

Finn sat and Rachel gave him a concerned glance. He took her hand and placed it in his lap, squeezing it. 

"There's no way that I can really say this." The doctor, who is slightly out of breath, looks at his shoes. "There were some complications."

_"_You said there would be no complications. You said you've done this before. You said he'd be fine!" Rachel cried. 

_"_I wasn't expecting that there would be complications, Mrs. Hudson. I really didn't. But we got in there and the tear in his stomach was worse than we thought and...he lost a lot of blood." Dr. Langford continued to look sympathetic. 

_"_So does he need blood? We have the same blood type, here take mine. I don't need it." Finn stuck out his arm.

_"_I'm afraid that we won't be needing it, sir." His smile faded. 

_"_What does that mean? Why did you stop smiling?" Rachel squeezed Finn's hand tightly. 

_"_This the worst part of my job." He took in a deep breath. "I'm so sorry to tell you this, but we lost him. Chris is gone." 

_"_You're joking." Finn stared blankly at the doctor, trying to read his face for any signs of doubt. 

_"_I'm so sorry but I'm not. I wish I was." 

Rachel looked numb beside him. "Can...can we see him?" 

_"_Come with me."

And they finally went back behind the fancy "Staff Only" doors. Rachel held onto Finn's hand tightly as they followed the doctor. 

He stepped into a room labeled "Post-Op 1256" and there on the bed lay their son. Finn's only child, Chris. His eyes were closed. He looked like he was asleep. 

Dr. Langford started to step out of the room. "I'll leave you alone with him for a few minutes."

Rachel sat in the chair next to the bed, letting go of Finn's hand. She stared at her son, tears floating in her eyes. "Oh baby." She moved his hair from across his forehead, taking his hand in her own. Laying her head on his chest, she started to sob. 

Finn stood at the end of the bed and looked at his son. His only boy, the kid that he wanted for so long. The kid that he planned on playing catch with during lazy summer afternoons in Central Park. The kid he planned on teaching how to kick a field goal to. The kid he planned on sending off to college. The kid he planned on meeting a wife and having kids of his own one day. This little boy, the spitting image of himself. And now he was gone. He looked at his wife, sobbing into their son's chest. That little boy was everything they had. 

Now everything they had was gone. The little boy that lay on the bed was just a shell, empty. His son was gone. The little boy who loved Toy Story and Bob the Builder and wore his Scooby Doo slippers around for breakfast and liked his cereal with practically no milk and chocolate chip cookies...he was gone. 

His little man was gone. 

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><p>creys :(<p>

reviews are my favorite and i'd love you forever if you'd leave one. :)_  
><em>


	3. It's Hard at the End of the Day

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee, nor do I profit from it.

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><p>It had been three days and already. Finn and Rachel were setting things up for the funeral. For their son. For Chris.<p>

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

There are a lot in the English language. And in all of those innumerable words, there are none that describe the loss of a child. There's a word for when a child loses a parent, when a wife loses a husband, when a husband loses a wife. But there are no words that can encompass the pain of losing a child. The kid is supposed to go after the parent. The parent is supposed to die first, when they are old and crinkly and senile. Not at 26 years old. A parent can't lose a child at 26 years old.

Looking back on it, it was kinda crazy how it all happened to Finn. He didn't know ten years ago that he'd move to New York, marry this wonderful, amazing woman, and have a baby with her, then watch that kid grow up and learn everyday and worry everyday about how he's going to survive in this world only to find himself picking out caskets for that little boy.

Walking out of that hospital felt like an out of body experience. Rachel was completely silent. Finn didn't know what to do. He tried to touch her arm, but she flinched away. She just looked so... hollow.

The next two days, she didn't shower, eat, sleep or do anything. Finn's mom called, and Kurt. It was Kurt who finally made Finn feel better.

"Hey, Finn." He walked in the door, clad in his usual designer suit, and gave him a hug.

They silently stood there hugging for a couple minutes. That silent comfort from his brother, just that moment, started to heal the massive wound Finn felt inside. They pulled apart and Kurt smiled softly.

"Where's Rach?"

Rachel had really shut Finn out these last couple days. Not only was she not speaking to him, she wasn't speaking to anyone. She locked herself up in their bedroom, unplugged the phone in there, and turned off her cell. She let Finn in every once in a while and they just lay there together, holding each other and watching _Armageddon_ and _John Q_ and _Titanic_ over and over again. Finn didn't think he'd ever seen DiCaprio die that much in his life.

Some nights, after Rachel had fallen asleep, Finn would slip out of the bed and walk into Chris's room. He sat down on his big boy bed that they just bought for him. He had racecar sheets and a headboard that looked like the hood of a Camero. That kid loved his cars. He would ask Finn about each individual car, wanting to know how it was made and why. He was so intuitive, even at six, like his mom. Chris was a lot like Rachel in those ways. He was so smart, and he wanted to know everything. But in other ways, he was like Finn. He wanted to be big and brave and strong.

Now that he's gone, Finn has no idea how to be brave and strong for Rachel.

Or even, himself.

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><p>Finn sat next to Rachel in the funeral parlor, surrounded by people they loved. But he had never felt more alone, or empty. His stepfather walked up to the podium, taking a glance at the small, mahogany casket therein lie his grandson. They decided that it would be too hard to have an open casket.<p>

"For those of you who knew my grandson, well, step-grandson, you knew that he was a special kid. Chris was so interested in everything. He always wanted to know what you were doing and why. There was a purpose to every task for Chris. He knew that everything had a reason. We may not understand why bad things happen to good people, and Finn and Rachel are most certainly good people," he said, smiling at them. "Chris loved his mom and dad. He would always tell me that when he grew up, he wanted to be just like his daddy." Hot tears seared Finn's eyes, and Rachel took his hand in hers, giving it a squeeze as tears streamed down her face. "We don't understand why God wanted Chris now, but we can know that there's a reason." And with a glance at the caskett, he let out a deep breath. "And that he'll always be with us. He was a great kid."

Finn took their joined hands and placed them in his lap, squeezing them as tight as he could.

All their old high school friends were there, even Mr. Schue and Mrs. Pilsbury-Schuester. Kurt, Blaine, Mike Chang, Puck and even Sam got up to bare the poles of their son. As the casket filed out, Finn and Rachel followed, her hand around his arm. Finn's mom and Rachel's dads were right behind them, and the rest of the congregation followed them out to the cemetary.

The Pastor blessed the casket, and Rachel's grip on Finn's arm tightened. They lowered the casket into the ground, and Rachel burst into loud sobs on Finn's arm. He turned her around and hugged her properly, craddling her head to his chest. He felt her tears stain his dress shirt but he didn't care. She looked up at him, her mascara running. "He's all I have," she whispered and buried her face in his chest again. He kissed the top of her head. "I know, Rach. I know. Me too." Hot tears finally fell down his own cheeks.

Finn glanced over at his old friends. Kurt's head rested on Blaine's shoulder, whose silent tears fell down his face. Mercedes and Tina stood huddled together while Mike and Sam stood behind them, stone-faced. Brittany was sobbing in Santana's shoulder and Santana silently rubbed her back, tears silently streaming her own face. Puck, his mohawk long gone, looked over at Quinn, both expression-less.

How did they end up like this? Five minutes ago they were happy and they this great kid, this amazing little piece of the two of them. Now that little piece of them was gone.

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><p>Back at their house, Finn's mom set this place up with tons of pictures of Chris. Scrapbooks, photo albums, dating back to his birth picture. Everyone from the Funeral came back to house, made quiet, awkward small talk in their living room.<p>

Rachel had clung to Finn the entire time, until now. She clinked her wine glass as the room turned to face her. "Hi, everyone. I want to thank you all for coming. We really appreciate your kind words and gifts, and we know that Chris would have loved to see you all. I've prepared a special song today, to honor my son," as she said this she glanced over at Kurt, who pressed play on a CD player.

He didn't recognize the piano part at first, but when Rachel started singing, Finn immediately knew the song.

_"Oh my man I love him so/ He'll never know/ All my life is just despair/ But I don't care/ When he takes me in his arms/ The world is bright, alright/ What's the difference if I say/ I'll go away/ When I know I'll come back on my knees someday/ For whatever my man is/ I am his forever more."_

And as she broke into the climax of the song, Finn glanced over at the large family portrait they took last Christmas. All three of them were smiling, and Finn could see a laugh etched on all of their faces. He didn't remember the joke that Chris told, but Rachel just started giggling and soon Finn started to laugh, then all three of them were laughing together as the camerman shot the photo. It was Finn's favorite picture of them, because they all looked so happy together. Rachel finished singing and the group clapped.

Puck and Quinn made their way over to the both of them. "Jesus Berry, didn't know you still had it in you."

"It's Hudson," she said with a small smirk, wiping her eyes with a kleenex. "And thank you, Noah. And Quinn. For coming. It means a lot to us."

Puck clapped Finn on the shoulder. "So sorry dude. He was a great little guy."

Quinn nodded. "I'm really gonna miss him."

"Me too." Finn nodded to the both of them. After high school and college, everything that happened between the three of them had simmered down. The hurt and hard feelings were gone and they could finally be kind of friends with each other again.

Soon after Puck and Quinn left, all their old friends came to say their condolences. Sam told Finn that he was going to propose to Mercedes, and Finn smiled, giving his friend a hug. It taught him that the rest of the world was still going to go on without them.

How could it when his whole world was lying in a casket six feet under?

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><p>Their friends and Rachel's dads and his mom had long since left the house. Finn and Rachel were cleaning up after the mess that a party can leave.<p>

"I liked your song, Rach." he said as he sweeped up the kitchen floor.

She didn't respond, only continued her work on a wine stain in the carpet.

Maybe she didn't hear him. He walked into the room. "I liked your song, babe."

She still didn't respond. She didn't even acknowledge his presence.

"Look Rachel I don't know why you're shutting me out but this is happening to me too. I'm going through the same loss you are."

She stood up finally and made eye contact with him. "Thank you, Finn."

"What has got you so angry?"

She bent down again and started to scrub harder on the stain. "There is a red wine stain in my white carpet, I still have half of the house to clean, I haven't told anyone from work why I've been gone and oh yeah, MY SON IS DEAD."

"HE'S MY SON TOO, RACHEL." Finn throws the rag he was holding in anger. "I lost my son too."

"Finn, you don't understand what this is like for me. I literally feel empty," she spits, looking up at him. "You don't know what this is like for a mother."

"Oh, and it's not the same for a dad? You don't even know how it feels for me, Rachel." He glares at her now, anger filling up his empty insides.

"OH, and what would that be?"

"GUILT. All I feel, every freaking day, is _guilt._ I was the one who was supposed to keep him safe. He's my son, I'm his father, I'm supposed to protect him. He was under my watch when he fell, I shouldn't have even taken him with me." Finn puts his head in his hands, sitting down on their couch. After a couple seconds, Rachel walks over and sits down next to him, putting hand on his back and rubbing it softly.

"It's not your fault, Finn. Accidents happen, right?" He looks at her, a small smile on her lips. "You heard Burt, everything happens for a reason."

"Yeah, but what happens when you never figure out what that reason is?"

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><p>i am so so so sorry for this long overdue update. the next chapter should be here this weekend, after my first couple days of school.<p>

there's only two chapters left!

reviews are appreciated and encouraged. :)


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